Weight

I’m the fattest I have ever been.  Or, more precisely, I am four pounds lighter than the fattest I have ever been because I started dieting nine days ago.

There is something about dieting that makes me feel hyper-sensitive about the way I look.  It’s as though, through the act of dieting, I am constantly acknowledging that I am unhappy with my body and current appearance.  It’s something that I am constantly fighting.

My weight has fluctuated my entire life.  I was a chubby kid in middle school, skinny in high school, and then chubby again in college.  I weighed 185 pounds when I was 25 years old and then lost 60 pounds to weigh 125 by my 26th birthday.  I gained most of that back, then lost it again, then gained it back again, this time with several extra pounds.

fat

I am generally a very happy person and my current body mass isn’t something that depresses me. I have friends who love me. I feel fairly healthy and strong. I have a very happy and healthy relationship with my partner. I enjoy outdoor activities and like to go hiking. But right now I feel really uncomfortable in my body.  I enjoyed running when it was something that didn’t hurt my knees.  I miss being able to wear skirts and dresses without my thighs rubbing uncomfortably together.

I’ve learned to be happy at the weight I’m at.  It has taken a lot of practice but I’ve decided to love the body I live in because it is the only one I have. And because, when I look back on all the times I was unhappy with my weight or appearance, I find that now, when I look at pictures or think about it, I was completely beautiful.

If I could go back and tell my past-self one thing it would be to feel happy in my body—no matter what size.  Because even at my fittest and strongest, I was still miserable and critical.  I never felt beautiful in high school, even though I was.  I never felt pretty in my 20s, even though I was quite stunning.

Most women are incredibly critical of themselves. We receive messages almost from birth.  We are always too fat, too thin, too old, too young, too pale, too dark, or too something. When I was in high school and weighed 115 pounds I used to think I was “fat”.  Even when I was running 7 miles each day to train to climb Mt. Whitney, I never thought my body was good enough.

This is the first time that I have started a diet at a time when I actually think my body is beautiful.  It has taken constant vigilance on my part to not fall into the trap of hating myself because I am “over-weight” or not at a standard of beauty that society expects from me.  I have to constantly remind myself that I am dieting for myself and not to conform to something.

I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin again. And I want to love myself on the journey.

3 Responses to this post.

  1. Lynda's Gravatar

    Posted by Lynda on 21.02.16 at 2:42 pm

    And, yes, you are beautiful and have been the entire time. This is a difficult thing for women. My group, together for over 30 years, goes through the “too fat,,too messy” thing when it comes times for pictures. Then we look back at the decades, and yes, realize how beautiful we are , were, and will be.

  2. Cathy Lee Knight's Gravatar

    Posted by Cathy Lee Knight on 21.02.16 at 2:42 pm

    My lovely daughter ,
    I love who you are and how you are everyday. I even loved you when you were under seven pounds.
    This is a great blog and I wish other women would read this and feel good and feel good about being fit too. Feeling good feels good.
    Much love,
    Mama,
    Ps I started back to yoga
    Also, I am not my size. My size does not define me.

  3. Valerie Costa's Gravatar

    Posted by Valerie Costa on 21.02.16 at 2:42 pm

    I totally relate!! You ARE beautiful and should absolutely love yourself at every size. What a great point about thinking you were fat even at 115 pounds; it’s such a common trap for women to fall into. I’m going to work on loving my body at any size thanks to your inspiration.

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